I know how you feel. I can’t remember a time when I was below a size 10. And that used to really affect me.
I remember once when I was in 5th grade, I was standing in the lunch line with a couple friends. We started talking about clothes and what size jeans we wore. All my friends were still wearing children’s size pants (of course this is normal for 5th graders), except for one.
When she said she was wearing a junior’s size 0, my other friends gave her a look of disapproval. She quickly justified wearing junior’s clothes, saying she needed to wear them because all the children’s sizes were too short for her.
Looking back, I believe she probably did need to wear extra long jeans, as she is quite tall and had super long legs. But, that’s not the point I’m making. The point is that a 5th grader felt the need to justify her pant size in front of her friends because she felt bad for having to wear junior’s size pants.
I remember thinking about my size 5 or so pants that I was wearing. I felt such shame for being a larger size than my friends, and I tried to change the subject as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to disclose my size because I saw the looks they gave our other friend, and she had an excuse! I dodged the subject and we moved on to more important things: lunch.
I wish I could say this was an isolated incident, that I have never worried about the size of my pants since then, but of course, that is not the case. I have worried about my pant size almost every day since then.
I worried about it every time I got dressed in the morning. Picking out clothes that I felt looked nice was a chore I dreaded every day. I enjoy fashion and love clothes, but not on me. I can look at posts of outfit ideas for hours on Pinterest, but as soon as I try anything on, I hate it.
I worried about my pant size every time I was with other people. I remember changing with my friends before gym or sports practice and trying my best not to let a tag hang out of my clothes. I didn’t want any of my friends to see that “L” or “10” on my clothes for fear of judgment.
I worried about it every time I went shopping, especially with friends. I was so embarrassed by my size, I didn’t want anyone knowing it. I would never buy clothes when I went shopping with friends; I didn’t want them to see me searching the back of the racks and bottoms of the piles of clothes for my size. There was no question about trying things on- when you have a body like mine, you have to make sure things fit you the way they’re supposed to. Clothes shopping, in general, was just more work for me. And I didn’t want my friends to see how much I had to work just making my clothes feel right.
Thinking back on this, I think it’s crazy I let the number on the tag define who I was as a person. I honestly let myself feel like shit because of a number sewn into a piece of fabric?
I’ve only recently decided it’s OKAY to be a size 10+, but I still struggle sometimes to remember the number on a tag should never make you feel different about yourself! I am more than a number on a tag! My size doesn’t define me! I still need to reaffirm this in my head every day, but I’m well on my way to accepting these things as true.
If you relate to any of the above, please know you are not alone! Your body does not define you, and you can accept how you look and love your body! I haven’t reached the latter, but I know I am on my way and I look forward to the day I can say I love my body!
I hope you have an amazing day or night!
xo, Lauren
Lauren's Lovely Life 